(SEPTEMBER)

Dear diary, I'm at Hogwarts, it's day one at the school-
But I don’t think I’m adjusting very well
It’s nice to not get kicked in the head or yelled at by the Dursleys
But something is amiss here, I can tell

Hermione is a psycho, she nags me all the time
She tells me I should study with a sneer
And Ron is such a sycophant, I wish he’d just go die
How can I keep this phony smile all year?

I got put in Gryffindor, the house known for its nerve
The house in which great champions are made
But I wish I were in Slytherin, despite its reputation
At least then I could probably get laid.

(OCTOBER)

Dear diary, professor Dumbledore is tolerant and kind
He’s got a soft spot for a rulebreaker like me.
I just wish the old coot would stop offering me chocolate frogs
To come and sit upon his bony knee.

I have this reputation for being above the law
For making trouble and asking questions later
But how on earth can I stay in bed all night while sharing a room
With Neville Longbottom, the chronic masturbator?

I don’t think I can take it, this school year is too cruel
Last week Professor Flitwick grabbed my ass
He said "Well done on the test today, harry!" and smiled with starry eyes
"I’ll jump you later, you've got to get to class!"

(NOVEMBER)

Dear diary, that Snape keeps trying to get inside my head
With his arsenal of dark and scary powers
I guess I prefer the mental games to finding him in my bed
Or sticking webcams up in all the showers.

Hagrid is all right, I guess, for someone of his size
He invites us often to visit him in his shack
The children seem afraid to be alone with him at all
Perhaps because they sometimes don't come back?

I don’t know, have I begun adjusting to this place?
I need some time to get a better grip
But one thing bothers me, and maybe you can answer this:
Are school uniforms supposed to include a whip?

(DECEMBER)

Dear diary, I've stayed for Christmas, to try to catch some peace
And here I sit, considering my situation
Now that everyone is gone, I feel a bit alone
And nowhere can I turn for consolation.

My god, This is intolerable, I can't take it any longer
It's really gotten worse than I can bear
This journal's too depressing, it makes me feel WORSE!!!
I'm going out to catch a bit of air.

DEAR DIARY! THE BEST NEWS YET! Beneath the mistletoe,
I found the best surprise gift I could hope for!
In the deserted potions room, we steamed up all the windows-
The package: Malfoy, unwrapped on the floor!